Can’t Cry Hard Enough

I know I promised to be better at keeping up with this blog. But I have two very good reasons for not doing that. Well, I was waiting to post happy news, awesome news, maybe the best news EVER.

You see my husband and I were expecting. We found out in mid July and had a few early appointments. They had me coming in early due to the loss of the last one so early on. We had an ultrasound at 6 weeks and there was the little seed…complete with heartbeat! Stoked does not begin to describe how I felt, how we felt. Heck we even had our folks over to share the good news a week later.

But, at our next visit on August 20 (the day that will suck forever) we had another ultrasound only to find out that there was no heartbeat and our little one had actually died a week earlier. To say I was crushed would be putting it mildly. Yeah I was devastated and numb. All I could think was ‘not again’ and that somehow this was my fault (more on the second part of that later). This time I was told I would probably be in a great deal of pain if I let nature do what it needed to do. So I opted for a procedure later that same week.

Needless to say Monday sucked. But it was going to get worse before I was ever going to get better. That night around 11:30 my husband woke me up and he was in tears. This is NOT normal for him. So something had happened. His cousin “D”, the life of the party and my husbands best man at our wedding had been killed in a truck vs. motorcycle accident early Monday evening.

Yup that would be “D” in a dress running the Warrior Dash two years ago. See what I mean about life of the party?

I thought that this was some cruel joke right? Surely two (pardon my french) shitty things could not be happening to us in one day. But my in-laws were in my living room that night so it was very real. Once again I went numb. I also put my grief over the loss of our baby on a shelf and bucked up for my husband. Because that’s what you do. Looking back it was probably not my smartest move but I did it.

I also bumped up my procedure so I would be mobile come that weekend when we had to head out for services. I pushed myself a bit too much that weekend and payed for it on Sunday when we returned. In fact I didn’t go back to work until Wednesday. But my co-workers rock and understood I needed time after all of this happened.

However, it was my 8 year old niece who put it all in perspective for me. She told me she was sad that she would not get a new cousin in March. She was also very sad about “D”. BUT she told me that the baby and the other we lost in December now had someone young enough to watch them. (Apparently all our older deceased relatives are too old even in Heaven to watch babies. So now “D” is up there keeping an eye on my two babies and getting to “wreck” my kids just like he promised me the day I got married.

That’s right he looked at me at one point durring the cocktail hour and said straight faced “I’m going to wreck your kids”. But that was how he was and I loved him for it. This guy would do anything for you. I do me anything – including going through my unmentionables if he had to in order to find my migraine meds (also the day of my wedding at the reception). The worst part of all of this is those he left behind. Including his amazing wife, his parents, sister, and everyone he touched.

But he won’t be forgotten. Just like my little one’s won’t be forgotten by me either. Don’t get me wrong my husband won’t forget them, but for him it was hard to think of them on the same level as his cousin “D”. I hear this is normal for most men. It was for my Dad and my Dad-in-law. But what I will tell you is that shelving my grief over the loss of another baby was not a cool plan.

Mostly because I seriously lost my (again pardon my french) shit once we were back from the services for “D”. Some folks were suggesting I go find someone to talk to about it. But what I needed to do was cry and cry I did. I honestly think I might be tapped out for a few months now. No joke. I’ve been on the verge of tears writing this, but nothing is coming.

So that was my end of August.

*******

Now comes a time of healing and trying to figure out why I’ve lost two pregnancies in such a short period of time. My doctor (who is amazing) did say it happens. Some women have more than two. But he’d rather we didn’t have a third if it can be helped at all. We know everything comes together right. After all we made a little one with a heart and heartbeat right? Right!

So now begins the testing of me. I’m going for some blood tests Monday. When I say some I mean I think I might need a transfusion when I’m done. Not really. But it seems like it with all of the tests we’re running. Most of them are for autoimmune diseases. Apparently miscarriage is a symptom of many….who knew? Not me that’s for sure. The other tests are for clotting factors and some other things I can’t spell let alone pronounce. I’ll keep you posted on this here blog. Not to worry.

So that’s where I’ve been. Sort of to hell and back if you will. But I’m on my way back to me emotionally.

Thanks for reading this longer than long post. I apologize for not making much sense.

 

*Can’t Cry Hard Enough – The Williams Brothers

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